Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
