if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
