I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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