I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize