Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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