sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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