there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
