Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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