We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
