Umm I'm too high to move.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize