I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
