You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
