McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
this boner is exhausting
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
