My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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