i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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