Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
