Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Sober January is a disaster.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
