got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
