U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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