just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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