At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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