can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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