Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
