That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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