fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
A+ Viking dick
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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