Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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