We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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