walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
