I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
