My underwear smells like fireworks.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize