omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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