If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
