It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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