So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize