I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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