onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
