We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize