I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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