How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
