hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
