am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
this is an emotional support booty call
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
