Farmville is her only friend.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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