Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
