if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He shit in the fireplace
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
