Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
