Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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