If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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