Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
