Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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