god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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