and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
