Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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