He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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