when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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