Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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