I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
