I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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