I think I won the penis lottery.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize