his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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